Now I know how it feels

Living half-way across the world, I’ve learned a few new things. Like how to look right, then left, before crossing the road. How to decontaminate vegetables and fruit so they are (relatively) safe to eat raw. And how to make all my favorite things – from scratch.

Perhaps most relevant to this blog, though, is that I have learned how it feels to feel left out. I’m specifically referring to Mennonites who are not “ethnically” Mennonite (see January 27 blog, "A crass explanation of Mennonites"). Let me explain.

My friend circle here is much different than it ever was or could have been when I was living in my Menno-bubble in the United States. I have some Mennonite friends, and as my husband says, they keep me grounded and humble. They live modestly: 2-3 bedroom apartments with one part-time house employee (to clean and cook). They might have a motorcycle, but otherwise, use public transportation to get anywhere. Then there are my other friends…my ex-pat diplomat friends. These friends are employed by you-name-it government or international non government organizations and live the life of luxury – not only by these standards, but even by standards in the US. (Most of them would readily admit that they wouldn’t be able to afford this type of lifestyle in the US.) 5 bedroom, 4 bath, 3 floor homes. 3-7 house employees (cooks, housecleaners, nannies, drivers, gardeners, guards). Memberships to their respective you-name-it government exclusive (if you can afford it) clubs. Their life is relatively easy.

Now, I can’t complain. We live in a (Menno-like) modest apartment (2 bedrooms/2 baths), have a good supply of water (even though the landlady is a water-Nazi) and have a full-time house employee (cleans, cooks, babysits my child). I would have an enormous amount of freedom and faux-independence if we employed a driver, but that’s not the point of this blog. The point of this blog is how I sometimes feel left out. How I feel like I don’t totally belong.

I feel a little like a lawyer right now, which I’m not, as I am trying to draw up my case. I wanted to point out the “us vs. them” scenario here (“us” being modest Mennonites, “them” being wealthier ex-pats). To my credit, despite the fact that I’m not in the “ex-pat diplomat club” they include me in it a fair bit. However, I will NEVER feel like I am a part of it – even if I became one of them (by say, becoming an Embassy employee), I still don’t think I would feel like I was really a member of the club. I’d feel like a phony, like an imposter, like at any moment someone might realize that I’m pacifist and was taught NOT to participate in government, let alone work for it.

Case in point…today I was at one of the embassy clubs. The modest affordable club that has a children’s park, a huge lawn and a café. The only one that we DO have a membership to (only because it’s $15 per year as opposed to $1,000 per year – guess who’s country makes you pay $1,000/year even if you’re a citizen of that country?). Today there were tons of ex-pat diplomats and ex-pat spouses of foreign aid organizations at the club. Besides the fact that none of these people are from MY country, I felt way out of my league. I felt like I had a right to be there, I mean, I paid my $15 fee just like everyone else. But I felt like I would never be one of them. As for the American club ($1000/year membership)…I have to rely on my ex-pat diplomat friends to take me there and sign me in as their “guest.” (Sidenote: Today, as my daughter was finishing up her single-serving of fruit yogurt, she asked me to go back to the expensive club and get her more yogurt. Unfortunately, we are at the mercy of these friends to invite me to the club where I can get imported yogurt (that’s kind of sort of like Yoplait) which you can’t find anywhere else in this country. End of side note : ) In the US, we might be on more equal footing, but here, these ex-pat friends are always more privileged than me, more “in”.

But yogurt and membership to the expensive club is not the point of this blog. The point of this blog is that today I felt for all those non-ethnic Menno’s who want to be a part of the Mennonite bubble or just the Mennonite faith, but feel like they are constantly outsiders…that they have to wait to be invited in…that they can get membership, but never really feel like they are a full-bonafide member. Who feel a little bit like imposters. Who feel like their children too deserve to get yogurt whenever they want but realize that there is a high price to pay to get access to it and they probably won’t ever be able to afford it.

DOES THIS MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL?

I think I’m airing two things at once, but I hope you get the point. If you’re not “ethnically-Mennonite”…I’d say, screw them! Screw the ones that make you feel like you’re never quite going to belong. Belong, for Menno Simon’s sake! You do belong. You have every right in God’s green earth to not only belong, but to FEEL like you belong. Don’t wait to be invited. Just go. And if people ignore you or stumble over their words or can’t think of anything to say once they hear your last name or where you’re from, stay put. Don’t move. You’re not an imposter. You have every right to be there and to claim the Mennonite vein of Christian faith as those who have roots that twist through the earth’s core over to Germany or Switzerland or Russia. You belong. And don’t let anyone tell you, or make you feel, otherwise!

Tonight I felt liberated…

…when I had this delectable meal.

North African Cauliflower Soup, a recipe from Moosewood Restuarant Cooks at Home, made with cauliflower from my in-laws garden. Cheese from the German Bakery (which is rare commodity for us, simply because this bakery, which sells THE best locally produced cheese in our city is so far away from our house). Fresh french bread. Green Salad - fresh from my friend’s garden - complete with fresh broccoli from my same friend’s garden topped with homemade honey mustard dressing. This was the most organic meal (in that I know where the food is coming from) I’ve had in a long time. And this is only the second time in at least 4 months I’ve had a green salad (not because we can’t get lettuce here, it’s just one of those things I steer clear from). All this to say …Tonight this delicious, fresh, raw, European-ish meal made me feel liberated!

WHY YOU DON’T HAVE TO PANIC IF YOU’RE 30 AND NOT MARRIED

I will go ahead and tackle one of the more pressing issues that many single 30-something Mennonites face. The fact that they are, duh, not married! More importantly, the fact that they are at, near or over 30, and not married! In Mennonite world, 30 is the new 50. You may as well count your eggs as shriveled and your sperm as spent. If you live in a Mennonite community, people might look at you and wonder . . . “What is wrong with her?” “Why isn’t he married?” “Is he gay?” “Is she a lesbian?” Maybe you are. But you’re sure as hell not going to tell anyone in your Mennonite world that, unless of course they are the more liberal types. But even then, you are selective about who you tell. But we’ll save that discourse for another time. Let’s get back to the point: those Mennonites who are 30, or thereabouts, and single and, well, let’s be honest, searching. If you are Mennonite and live in a city, you know full well that 30 is the new 20. You are surrounded by “young professionals” who are content to be single or in their new or long term relationship – live-in or otherwise. You’re not feeling the least bit strange because, well, in the city, you’re normal. Now, drive down to your parent’s or grandparents or aunt’s or uncle’s or 23-year-old married cousin’s house and it’s a different story. They begin to wonder and hint, as does every relative over the age of 35. (Reiterate statement about eggs shriveling and sperm being spent.)

For those of you stuck or rather living in a Mennonite community…30 IS NOT OLD!!!! 30 is like the beginning of life. You had a blast in your 20’s didn’t you? 30 CAN BE EVEN BETTER!!! Trust me. I know there is a ton of pressure, both internally and externally, to find your perfect Menno-mate. But don’t rush it. Don’t worry. Don’t think that your eggs ARE going to shrivel up and die or your sperm WILL indeed be spent. THEY WON’T!!! Not for another 10 or 15 years (more if you have sperm..though research now shows that the older you have children, the less intelligent they are)!!!

Since this is the first time I’ve lived outside of the Mennonite Bubble, I feel like I’ve had a reawakening. I can now better understand my Mennonite friends from the city. Case in point: my (American) friends in my new little part of the world are all my age and just now having babies. Granted, a few of them rushed into marriage (i.e. got pregnant then married, or got married then pregnant, all within a few months). One of my friends, a very successful woman in the field of journalism and development (she worked for NPR if that tells you anything), is in her mid 40’s. She has an 8 year old and an adopted 2 year old. Another friend is 46 with a 2 year old (her own flesh and blood)…and is married to a 32 year old. You heard it. You think these women aren’t totally happy? At least they didn’t freak out about the fact that they were OVER 30 and not married with child. Well, maybe they did. I haven’t asked them.

It wasn’t until I was in my mid to late 20’s that I realized a number of my aunts didn’t get married until their late 20’s and had children in their mid 30’s (over 35). You have to understand that I grew up thinking that I needed to be married by the time I was 21 (following in the steps of my mother and a few of my aunts!) and with child by 25 AT THE LATEST!!! Do you know what would have happened if I would have done that? NOTHING! I never would have traveled all over Europe and led study groups to Africa and sat on the beach every year with friends and lived with fabulous, inspiring girlfriends and redefined my fashion and started an exercise regime and did I say travel? Now, all of this changed when I met someone. And let me tell you did it change. My only vacations are to go home…to my family or his. Nothing else. It is really quite depressing, but don’t tell my significant other that. All I’m saying is, 30 is not the end of the world. And don’t make it yours. Don’t make it your secret deadline for…well, being dead if you’re not married or pregnant or in a significant relationship. 30 is definitely the new 20 and by the time you’re 40, 40 will be the new 25. So you definitely have a good 10 to 50 years under your belt before your eggs shrivel and your sperm is spent.

A Crass Explanation of Mennonites

This is the only blog entry that will be dedicated to giving a brief explanation of Mennonites and how I fit into the scheme of Mennonite-ness.

For those of you who are reading this and are not Mennonite, I will clarify one of the never ending questions about Mennonites, namely, who are we? No we are not Amish, though we politely say we are “related” to the Amish. Historically, Mennonites were a more “ethnic” based Christian protestant denomination. Meaning, Mennonites came from Germany, Switzerland, and Russia. While there are many “non-ethnic” Mennonites involved in the Mennonite denomination today, this “race thing” is still a point of contention. (The “Mennonite Game” is a case in point: When "ethnic" Mennonites meet each other, they will often try to figure out how – not if – they are related!) For an interesting article about the interplay of "ethnic" and "non-ethnic" Mennonites read and article by Janet Trevino-Elizarraraz: http://www.themennonite.org/issues/13-1/articles/Where_faith_and_culture_intersect

Allow me to be crass. Mennonites are a little like Jews: We are from a certain place, adhere to certain beliefs, and were persecuted for those beliefs (and still like to use the “persecuted” card). There are many Mennonites who are not “ethnically Mennonite” but practice the Mennonite (Christian Protestant) faith. There are also many Mennonites who are “ethnically Mennonite” but are not in the least bit Christian. (Kind of like the ethnic, non-practicing, even atheist, Jews.) There are many veins of Mennonites ranging from uber-conservatives who still ride in horse and buggy or who only ride black vehicles and wear dresses and head-coverings and beards (not simultaneously of course!!). And then there are your average to liberal Mennonites who, on the street, you cannot pick out in a crowd. There are even uber-liberal Mennonites who are fine with same-sex marriage, vote for the president and live in cities.

I used to fall into the “average Mennonite” category. You wouldn’t know I was Mennonite if you saw me in the grocery store or Metro station or PTA meeting. Though I had some gay friends, I was still “weirded out” by same-sex marriage. I thought the “live simply” values were noble and tried to live them. But I rarely voted in political elections. Since moving out of the Mennonite Bubble, however, I would put myself more in the liberal category. I find it appalling that the United States, the country with the oldest constitution in the world, is still hesitant to grant equal rights to ALL its citizens (gays and lesbians, Native Americans, migrant workers). My child is being raised in a “mixed-religion” home, so God has become much more expansive (by say, 1 million times). Jesus is an amazing person and I seriously think he was influenced by eastern religion. (King Xerxes – husband to Queen Esther – did attain rule over like the entire eastern hemisphere you know.)

Now that we have that clarified...let's get down to more interesting business!

The Journey Begins

Hello and welcome to my blog. As you can gather from the name, this is a blog by a Mennonite Momma who thinks she has become liberated (you can be the judge of that). This is a blog by a first-time mom who is living far off, away from her safe and sheltered Mennonite community. This is a blog by a woman who loved the Mennonite church, then left it and is not sure if she’ll ever return. This might be a blog for you.

First let me tell you about myself. I’m a Gen-Xer who grew up in a predominant Mennonite community in the Midwest of the United States. I went to a Mennonite high school, much to the happiness of my Mennonite father, but the chagrin of my Mennonite mother. After I graduated from my Mennonite high school, I traveled to the other side of the world with a legitimate Mennonite mission agency. I “felt called” to go to a Mennonite college far from my home (and at the same time, desperately needed to avoid my hometown). Four years later, I graduated with a little more life experience, handfuls of wonderful friends and a curiosity to take on more of the world. I took that curiosity to two more stateside “volunteer” assignments, thus fulfilling the unspoken “call of duty” towards voluntary service.

Then I made “the leap” and moved to a predominant Mennonite community in the east coast. I worked for several years in Mennonite institutions, traveled the world, was deeply involved in my new church, developed wonderful relationships with fellow Mennonites – my age, and younger and older than me – and thought that’s what life would be like. Then things took a drastic turn. I won’t go into what was involved in that drastic turn. Not yet. I can’t give it all away. I’ll just say that one relationship totally changed my life…and my life as a Mennonite.

After the onset of that relationships, I moved across the world. And that’s where I am writing this from now. I’m more settled, I’m less angry, I have perspective that I didn’t have when I was immersed in the Mennonite Bubble. And that’s why I’m writing this. To share what I’ve discovered outside of the Mennonite Bubble. For some of you it will be shocking. For some of you it will be refreshing. You tell me.

So, that’s me and a bit about me. I will post as the spirit of inspiration moves. I welcome your comments, and in fact need them, otherwise I will seriously think I am writing into a black hole.

So, I hereby christen www.LiberatedMennoMama.blogspot.com to begin. Actually, Mennonites wouldn’t christen now, would we? : ) We would dedicate…so I hereby dedicate this blog and bless it! Amen.